Confession...

Secretly, I want to be a writer.  I guess it's no secret now.  I started this blog several years ago in an effort to improve my poor writing skills.  Obviously, there is always room for continued improvement!

That said, I still have the desire to write.  For sanity's sake a kept a journal as a child, and a I think writing has always given me peace.  These days I find myself reading stories not only for entertainment or education but also with an analytical eye in order to recognize writing styles, point of view, how the author engages the reader's mind into creating a mental picture...all of these things I now seem to want to be aware of as if filling this information for future reference.

I have been writing, scenes, scenarios, reading other's writing...I guess I just keep working on it!

What if?

I am captivated by a TV series called Jeremiah, and for those of you who know me, you will comprehend what a feat it is for ANY TV show to capture my attention. This series focuses on a world after the "Big D" or a big death from a virus that killed everyone over the age of puberty. It is really interesting in its depiction of what people and society (if that is what one could call it) would become. As the story progresses, it is clear another faction of people are coming together to 'make' a world they way they want it. Conflict arises. It begs the question, what would become of "civilized society" if some catastrophe were to occur?

 The current rage "The Hunger Games" addresses a similar idea with a slightly different setting. The outcome is not so pretty. We, as a society, seem quite interested in the "what If?" scenario post horrific event. One would like to believe altruism and kindness would prevail, but I am not so sure. For reference, I think of feudal Japan, the era of the Samurai; defend what's yours lest someone take it from you... by force. This type of existence lends a whole new level of threat to women, which could be another post, entirely.

 What new 'rules' would evolve? How would our species (yes, Homo sapiens) handle no medicine, no running water, having to hunt, kill, preserve and farm for survival? We, as a society, are so far removed from this knowledge and ability, the vast majority of us would starve to death, die of infection or simply fall to depression of being utterly overwhelmed. The thought of such a different world pushes me to continuing a path of self reliance. As personal responsibility becomes more and more out of fashion, the magnitude of societal collapse in the face of even a small interruption of our modern society, grows to a devastating level. How would nature strike balance into such a heavy-sided scale?

Canceled

I am home today, unexpectedly. I was canceled at work as it was my turn and our census is such that were are overstaffed for our quantity of patients. What am I doing with my unexpected time off, you ask? I finished my book and am now cleaning...obsessively. I have my usual list of "ToDos" and am crossing them off. All the while the stereo blaring in the background with Pandora Radio. I guess I don't really have questions today. Enjoy your day, everyone.

School

I am almost done with the RN-BSN program. I will be very glad when it is done. My last class starts 7/2, then 5 weeks, then it is OVER! The real challenge then becomes what to do after that? What masters do I want to obtain? Questions, questions!!

Home Alone

John's plane left at 15:00 today. Bummer. We had a great weekend! We are half way through our time apart...5 months down, 5 to go!

Must Watch

It seems my most recent obsession is diet, and the contaminants our loving and protective FDA has allowed in it. With such a cynical introduction, here are documentaries on instant view on Netflicks: Fat Sick and Nearly Dead Forks Over Knives The Beautiful Truth Dying for the Truth Food Inc. and a You Tube TedEx talk by Robyn O'Brien If you want to be healthy, you are really going to have to start being very, very concerned with where your food comes from, and if you are an omnivore, be VERY concerned with what your food ate before you eat it. Oh, and how did it live before it died.

Future Requirements

I had lunch with a fellow RN girlfriend this past week. We talked specifically of what kind of services are needed in the coming future regarding health care. Elder care, or a lack there of, is the major concern we both agreed existed. We, as a nation, are so utterly unprepared for the onslaught of our aging Baby Boomers and the needs this population will require. Really, think about this, people usually DIED before the mind completely left the building. Modern medicine can intervene in such incredible ways, we now have a healthier population who will reach a much older age...but have no idea of the accomplishment they achieve. I am well aware of what I speak of as when pressed for a cardiology appointment for my own demented mother, I refused. As a nurse, I knew her "it gets dark," statements were most likely syncope - fainting spells - most likely triggered by an irregular heart beat. The fix for this? Pacemaker. I talked it over with my siblings, and we all agreed, prolonging her torture of feeling abandoned, alone, unloved - regardless of the fact that one of us was there almost daily- we agreed prolonging such desolation was wrong. No pacemaker. She became unresponsive about 20 days later and died peacefully, as we kids agreed, was best. Just because we can, does not mean we should. There are fates worse than death. I can think of nothing worse than thinking one's self alone, unloved, confused and not understanding anything about one's surroundings.

Cultural Shift Required

The more I work in health care, the more I realize attitudes toward health care, and its availability, are about culture more so than fact. By this I mean the culture surrounding health care and its relation to death and dying. Here, in the US, we die badly, often without humility, and at great, unnecessary cost. Here, when someone dies, you hear, "They just couldn't do anything else for him/her," or "The surgery was unsuccessful." The culture is death is a failure of medicine. One seldom hears, "She was quite old, 93, and well, it was her time, we were all there and made her comfortable," or "He just did not manage his health well, he smoked, he had bypass already and several stents, he would never take care of his diabetes, his choices led him to an early grave." Death is associated with medicine failing, it is not seen as a normal, inevitable part of life. Thus, we cannot seem to face it with dignity or with grace. In the ICU, often I have to bring up the subject of dying and end-of-life plans with people. Often times I am faced with someone who has not even considered that their aged (think 90+) loved one might...die. The burning question the cynic in me wants to blurt out is, "Exactly how long did you expect them to live??" When did we get so removed from death and dying? That is what the parlor was for back in the day...this is where you laid out the dead to receive those who chose to come and pay respects. The dead were in your home. At what point did we remove ourselves from the only other inevitability other than taxes? And why can we not allow our loved ones to come to their end with dignity? Without "doing everything!!" even when it is, without question, futile? We do not allow our animals to languish in such a state.... Yet for family....Who is the "do everything" ideology really for anyway?

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

The past week, John and I drove to Washington DC...to settle him in for the next 10 months.
Ouch.
He is on a project and must be on site for the next 10 months. Of course we will be seeing each other monthly at the least, but it will still be quite the adjustment. I am pretty sure Skype is in our future. I don't really have any fears regarding our relationship, nor does he, it is the not having my best friend with me. That is what I am most sad about.

I am thankful he is safe...he is not in Afghanistan..no one is trying to shoot him...so, I count my blessings.
It is just part of life we will have to endure. I will work a great deal, stay busy and get some mountain biking time in. Kate will keep me company too. I feel badly for John as he is removed from his entire environment; friends, dog, home, schedule. I recognize that is really hard.
I am sure all will be well, but it is still going to have OK days and really sucky days.

Hint, Hint.

You ever have the feeling of “I’m forgetting something,” when you are about to leave the house? Yeah, and if you are like me, it is always right.

How is it that the subconscious mind knows something, perceives something is amiss, and yet does not or cannot tell the conscious mind in any other manner than an odd feeling in the pit of your gut? The boundary between the conscious and unconscious minds fascinates me. The subconscious perceives things that the consciousness does not and yet still knows these perceptions are important; this evidenced by those gut feelings we all know and love.

Additionally, if you are like me, when the “you're forgetting something” feeling strikes, you go back in the house, look around and about 60-70% percent of the time figure it out. Then the feeling instantly vanishes. Wow. It is interesting how a subconscious perception can be deemed important enough to notify the consciousness, but it can’t be spelled out. It has to be a “hunch” or “a feeling.” And yet, when the thing or item or event is figured out, the notification evaporates.
Fascinating.

Update on CCRN

Wow, all that prep and I forgot to tell everyone that I passed my CCRN first time, right out of the gate! I was glad I prepared for it the way I did, as this always lowers my test anxiety. All I learned while studying for it will serve me well, but mainly my patients will benefit!

Handy Man

John has almost completed his total kitchen overhaul!! He has done a fantastic job, and it looks amazing! Granite counters, custom stained cabinets, Hickory wood floors and a black walnut bar top right off the family farm in OK!! We have done all the work ourselves, along with help from his parents as well. John, of course, has done the majority of the work, but I helped whenever I could! Can't wait to throw a party!!

Circular

My friends, Bruce, Christy and their son Gavin are staying with me right now until their new house is completed. This is the third time Christy and I have lived together and the second time all of us, save Gavin - he's only 2.5 yrs - have lived together. Even in my smallish home, it is going well! It's like revisiting a past time. I know they will be UBER excited for the new house to be completed, but I think we are having fun hanging out with one another. It was mutually beneficial, comfortable and loving! I am having great fun showing Gavin bugs and generally hanging out!

Juice it Baby

I bought a Breville juicer and have started juicing; not exclusively, just in addition to my regular diet. I had put on a few pounds, and after watching, Fat Sick and Nearly Dead, decided I would give it a try. That was the easiest 13 pounds I ever lost! I found I am just not craving anything. I eat,I juice, I'm satisfied....I just don't get hungry. And it's TASTY. I highly recommend it!

Alone in the Bay

I went out for the first time ALONE to row. No one else was there, save a few people across the way fishing...I proved to be excellent entertainment.

I got the shell and me together, in the water with the oars on the correct side and disembarked without much difficulty. The wind was still up, so I just rowed in circles in the bay, working on steering, turning and generally how to get the oars, shell and me to get along and agree on what the hell we were doing. It actually went really well.

Then, came the return to the dock, or The Landing. Remember, rowing is a sport one faces backward to the direction of motion. It took three tries and some crafty oar-pulling-me-closer-to-dock action for me to finally get it done. I could not help but notice the very entertained fisherman across the bay...he just kept laughing! I supposed I could have sold tickets....

The rowing is going very well and the only down side to it is Kate ("Fuzzy Pants") can't go with me.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Why is it so impossible for most people to be happy 'where they are?' How is it that no matter how well an individual is doing, often times, there is this constant, I need more, I want more, this is not enough.

Is it the constant deluge of advertising? The ever-present magazine covers showing all the stuff you need in order to fit in or be accepted? That sense of lacking and incompleteness seems to seep into our everyday existence with the stealth of the latest military stealth bomber.

I have to wonder this because I am generally one of the happiest people I know an I don't have all that stuff. I don't even have cable. I have a few other friends who also believe, "You make your own happiness." This is true.

Is happiness a choice? Do you craft it out of an appreciation of much needed rain, the fact your car is paid for AND still runs well, or just that you have a roof over your head that does not leak regardless of the size of that roof?

It seems that our lives have become so fast paced we have no time but for looking forward so as not to trip over the next obstacle, but yet no time to reflect, turn around and look behind us - to be grateful for how far we have come, how much we have accomplished.

You can wish this, wish that, wish, wish, wish, but really, in the end, wherever you go, there you are.
You have to learn to be at peace with that.

Right or Privilege?

I have been talking with people regarding whether they think medical care is a right or a privilege. I have talked with MDs I work with as well as fellow RNs, friends and family.

The general consensus of medical staff is health care is a privilege. Some friends say privilege and some say right. I found this conversation necessitates defining these terms:

Right - something a civilized, developed nation should guarantee at a basal level to its citizens. Basically the same thing as you should be able to be safe in your home, pursue whatever career choice you want and the choice of worshiping, or not, whatever deity you chose.

Privilege - something earned, bestowed upon or above and beyond those basal "Rights" spoke of earlier. Like a driver's license. You have to behave within parameters to obtain and keep you privilege to drive.

Once those definitions were hashed over, I came to think the following: I think every person should have a right of some basal level of medical care. Vaccinations, annual physicals, screenings, nutritional education; all basal levels of care that should be available to all. To me, these equate to the betterment of society and thus provide for a more productive society. An investment that benefits society as a whole, much like our public school system does now. I pay taxes and don't have kids, but I see the need for public schools.

However, there are levels to health care that are most certainly a privilege. Keeping people alive when the most honest, humane thing to do is to "let nature take its course," is not a right. As harsh as it sounds, I think if you want that for a family member, or even if you yourself wrote this out in a living will, your estate or your family needs to cough up the cash to pay for it.

There are many other instances where a much higher level of care or intervention is a privilege and should often times be denied to an individual so that greater resources are available for the society at large.

As a health care professional, the real question is this: Will these interventions (treatment) improve or return the person back to his or her previous level of function and comprehension? Will we really make something better? Or are we just prolonging death?

Once those questions are posed, one still has to ask, who is going to pay for it? The reality is someone is going to.
Our society has become removed from the fact health care is not a product, it is not something one purchases that will have perfect function and is completely full-proof in its application. If it does not do what the person receiving it expects, you cannot return it for a refund! This attitude of "It did not work the way I wanted, so now give me my money back plus pain and suffering..." well, that is the attitude of privilege.

Another recent attitude of privilege is people expect hospitals to be 5-star hotels. Hospitals used to be wards...with curtains. But our "I'm so entitled" society now thinks they need to be at the Westin while having surgery, or even just food poisoning....

So what do you think?
Privilege or Right?

Real Live Farm-is-ville

I’m Farm-sitting again in Farmersville...No, no not the online Facebook version but with real-live animals!
I actually had someone ask me if I sat and did farmville on facebook all weekend....crazy.

It is so peaceful out here, just some bugs and an occasional bark from the dogs...Very nice. I am taking care of their 5 horses, and four dogs and have my own dog out here with me. Everyone is actually getting along fine. Since it isn’t supposed to rain like crazy, I may even ride some this weekend. That’ll be a twist! Even though I grew up on a horse, I haven’t ridden for a while now. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Right now, I’m just enjoying the quiet.

ANOTHER ugly standardized test!!

Wish me luck!! I have signed up for my CCRN or Critical Care Registered Nurse test. It is quite the “feather in my hat” and I hope I pass the first time!! I don’t want to take it again OR pay for it again.... It’s pricey! Work does reimburse once you pass. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

A new adventure

I have had an over-powering urge to try rowing, or, sculling as I think it is most appropriately called. I have read some about it, and think it is right up my alley. I have been trying to get into the martial arts they way I need to in order to satisfy my need for physical exertion and it just isn’t doing it for me right now. I haven’t really taken a break from it in about 12 years, so this seems fitting. Sculling is supposed to do the same thing; be a total body workout and be super hard, sweat your butt off and exhaust you. Sounds perfect. The start up memberships and all are a little pricey, but still cheaper in the long run than my martial arts is. I will go give it a try and see. Maybe this will be my next 10 year obsession...