It is all about Respect

I have been thinking about this for a long time.
Those of you who know me might be surprised at this post for I do not discuss my private life.
This will be the first and last time I do.

I have thought a great deal about my divorce, now settled for slightly more than two years. One complaint my Ex had was his perception I did not respect him.

I have thought a lot about this. Was that true? Or was it yet again a judgment of me with a measure stick that did not apply?

I have come to this conclusion. In order for someone to be in a relationship that is mutually beneficial, mutually loving and mutually supportive, both people have to have respect for one another as individuals.

That respect begins within one's self. If you do not have self respect, your counter part will not respect you --he/she may not even be aware that they don't respect you.

My Ex did not make it a priority to take care of himself mentally, physically or psychologically. I think he was right in the idea that I did not respect him.
For if you do not take care of you, you do not take care of "us."

The things that garnered respect in his eyes were not the things I most respected personally and vice versa.

He also, I think, had a lack of respect for me in some areas too. This was somewhat my fault as well. I did not fight like he did.

For someone to respect you, you have to speak to them in a language they "hear." I use words to express myself that are generally devoid of emotion especially in a heated situation. He was just the opposite.

So when decisions were made and my foot was put down about something, if he did it anyway that was a flagrant F****!! You to my face. But because I did not go nuclear about it, I got ran over and disrespected even though I don't think he really meant it that way.
I just did not believe nor do I now, that his behavior was my responsibility.

But we did not speak the same language. He could only hear drama and emotive arguments that could be loud and accusatory. I was really capable of only words and and a lack of emotion, as I get quieter the more angry I become. Because of the violent temper I do possess, I do not continue to allow things to escalate, I would rather quite and come back later calmer. He liked the fireworks.

Do not mistake the fact I am truly happily divorced and know I made the right decision albeit a horrifically difficult one.

My Ex did admit one time that if I had acted the way he did in many of our fights, we would not have stayed married as long as we did. He was right on that.
But how unfair. You get to be ballistic and I can't?
Even if I had wanted to, this is not the type of interaction I wanted to live with.

Not only is respect of paramount importance but so is fairness. However your mate acts, you should get to as well. Otherwise, why bother?

People treat you how you allow them to.
Period.

Our family/spouse (s) can take advantage of that. They can take advantage of the fact we are close to them.
This is a mistake I do not intend to repeat.
It is my responsibility to speak up and be heard. I just have a much better education on how to pick someone who speaks the same language.

So far, I think I have picked really well.