The Adult Card.

As I mentioned earlier, my mother’s privilege to drive has been revoked. She went and tried the driving test (written) twice, and still has yet to pass it. Obviously she won’t.

This is so hard on so many levels. There are many activities she still does and she needs to keep attending them. My siblings and I are trying to work it out so we can get her to some of her events. But, it looks impossible to do everything.

The revocation of driving privilege is a huge adjustment, not only for Mom but for me too. Ever had to take the keys from your mom? Trust me, it is not something you want to have to do. It will work out, but it is depressing and awful. It is like turning in your adult card. Sad…

Decompensation in Real Time

My mother’s progression through Alzheimer’s has accelerated at an alarming rate. For all the heart ache and tears it causes me emotionally, I have to admit that it interests me on a scientific level.

My mom’s nouns are gone. Apparently, when you begin to decompensate neurologically certain sets of neurons hold up their little axons and dendrites and say, “Oh, we are nouns, we will just blink off now.”

And that’s it, all the nouns go away.

Ever try to communicate without nouns? Or, have you ever tried to understand someone who is trying to tell you a story without nouns?

Impossible.

My mom stopped recently and asked point blank, “Where have all my words gone?”

I wish to hell I knew. I’d go get the little devils and put them back in her brain. The emotional pain of watching this happen in real time is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. And yet, it is amazing, really, how and in what order the brain falls apart. How is it that the nouns are affected? Why not random words? Or words from all parts of grammar? How did the brain know all these were nouns?

The cognition is starting to go as well. That’s why I know she won’t pass her driving test…

At first, I wanted to believe it was attention seeking behavior. But no, her inability to understand and integrate new processes is real.

It kills me, inside and out.

And yet, there is still something interesting going on.

Such conflict…

Latest on the Nomadic Life…

I have officially taken residence in Wylie.

My goodness I live almost in Louisiana….

I had forgotten how far away from everything you are when you are out that way.

It’s only till August, but still.

Next, a search for my own residence…..

Yeah…!

What's on for this Summer!

Back at UT

One of the summer jobs I have is working part time for the lab I worked for at UTSW. I have returned to the pathology lab to do brain genotyping and synaptophysin protein assays on post mortem samples. Basically, it consists of finding out what genetic makeup a person had for the genes involved in neural degeneration that we associate with dementia and Alzheimer’s. The protein assay is just that; looking at the quantity of synaptophysin in different regions of the brain. Synaptophysin is associated with synaptic health. As the synapses in the brain breakdown, so declines the quantity of synaptophysin. I am getting my science fix this summer!

Two Down, Two to GO!!!!

Well my second semester is down for the count! Great grades and I am so happy summer is here! I have decided to take no classes this summer and just work…work on that being broke thing! But, man I am happy I am doing what I am doing.

Next semester is OBGYN and Peds as in Pediatrics. I would love to just skip the OBGYN section, but I am very much looking forward to the Peds rotation. I adore kids even though I don’t want any of my own. They are great! I'll see if I take to the sick kid / stressed parent thing or not. Who knows? The possibilities abound.

This is the most convincing reason I decided to take the plunge and get my RN: choices.

With an RN I can do anything. I am already thinking about an advanced degree after I work for a bit. First of all, where I work with pay for it. Bonus! Maybe a nurse practitioner or OR first assistant, I just have to see.

I can also foresee doing something else I truly love once I am at a later date of my career; teach. I think teaching nursing and nursing related classes when I am tired of everything else would be “just what the Dr ordered!” I already love to teach and nursing is so hands on and quite mechanical in a lot of ways. I could teach it, I’m sure.

Another facet of nursing that calls to me is being the organizer of academic research and its application to patient care or medical uses. I can speak the different languages necessary to communicate with the doctors, the scientist (I do speak geek!), and organize the data. The down side with this avenue is that it leads out of Dallas. The cutting edge science that is being applied to medicine is not in the southern part of the US. Lots to think about….

I have time. Why hurry? Life is too short.
Life is too short to be miserable, to hurry or to be in the wrong place.
I know my path is right.
It’s a great place.

The Best Line So Far…

So, um…..Can I waste drugs with you??

This STILL cracks me up! All narcotic medications have to be disposed of with supervision for obvious reasons. The above line is the usual line I heard while doing my OR rotation. It always made me giggle!

Two Down Two to Go!!

Yes, the final tests are over and we have had the happy hours celebration! WooHoo! Two down, two to go.

Finals were not so bad. I did well in th skills and clinicals. I did passable in lecture as did the vast majority of the class. The bottom line, is, I am still in the program. Sadly, not everyone can say that.
At happy hour, we all discussed how well our class has meshed. We have a great class of a wonderful mix of people. We all work together, party together and generally have great time. A rare thing I believe.

Nursing school is just a blast for me. I love the people, the patients, the learning and the unknown. Fear is really such a hindrance. I don't look at things as fearful, just the next adventure.
What does the next semester hold??
I will let you know.

Just a Body Part…

My last rotation this semester in nursing school was OR, that is, the Operating Room. I loved it. I did find some things quite interesting about it.

Namely, once you are anesthetized, you are, in fact, just a body part. You are draped and covered so that nothing appears except the offending region of your person that needs to be operated on. This made me both comfortable and slightly uneasy. Of course, this allows the surgeons to do what they need to do, operate without any distractions. However, if does remove the fact that there is a whole person under all those drapes. So, it is good and bad in numerous ways. The anesthesiologist keeps tract of the whole person, i.e., is that person under all that still breathing and is the person still asleep! Out cold is very important!

I did really love OR. I liked the teamwork: everyone has a job and everyone does it. I liked knowing that all the instruments had to be arranged and accounted for. Yes, I am an organizational nerd. I liked the music too, surgery is a great place for good tunes. I was able to get past the cold. The room is 60 degrees F. So, yes, you freeze your ass off if you are not careful.

But I did really enjoy my OR rotation. OR ranks high on the list of possible avenues of nursing once I graduate.

Yeah, gotta graduate fist!!

Two semesters down, 2 to go!!

My Nomadic Life

Yet again, my things are in storage. I am getting used to it. The moving part sucks, but since I am a “no stuff” person, it is not as bad as it could be. I am house sitting this summer for a fellow nursing student. He and the kids are going to be with his wife as she is out of town with her job till October.

I really believe that when you are on the right path in life, a way makes itself available to you. This is a good example of that. I had to move very unexpectedly from where I was ( the house I was renting sold) and was kinda stuck as to where to go. So this has worked out for both me and my fellow student. He knows his home and 2 dogs will be loved and well cared for and I can stay somewhere and take my time as to where to live next.

I hope to stay for a bit where ever I land this time around. At least for a while…

My one desire when I finally land in my own place this fall is a cat.
I want a cat.

So I am torturing myself looking on Petfinder.com!!

Home again, home again, jiggidy-jig…

Almost Done with Number Two!

I have only 4.5 weeks of school left. That includes one more lecture test, the lecture final, one more skills lab hands on check off and the skills lab final. I have two more major assignments due in the next two weeks.

I cannot wait to be done with this semester. So far, the grades are great, and I am having a blast. I have work lined up for the summer to keep me busy and to keep me funded. So far, I am keeping my head above water.

All of this still includes martial arts and some tiny bit of personal life.

However, between now and finals, I have to pack, move, somehow gently sell my mom's car as she is having her license revoked (how does one do that gently??), figure out how to get her around and re-schedule her life, plan to attend my brother's wedding in June (lives in New Jersey) and organize three part-time work schedules.

Oh and taxes.....crap. Can anyone say extension??

Thank the gods for my palm pilot.
I seem sorta busy, but I am having a great deal of fun. I kinda like the challenge of keeping it all going. I am really looking forward to getting away this summer somewhere and somehow. That is in the beginning stages of planning.

I really miss diving. But it will have to wait for a bit.

It is really quite busy but I like it.
I am still the one driving the car of life.

More Analogies to the Animal World

It is Spring yet again.
Considering what normally happens in spring...

Male posturing and competition.
Courtship.
Breeding.
Babies.

That is very obvious in the animal world. How does it relate in the human world?
Human beings are one of the few species where the females can be more flambouyant than the males. Typically it is the males that have the colorful plumage, large, fluffy coats, or horns with which to compete for females with. Generally, this makes the males more visible and thus, more susceptible to being eaten.

However in the human world, both genders are generally more visible with the females being more visible than some of us would wish at times. This is one difference.

I have also come to understand that after battle, often times men have a major increase in libido. Why is that? I think it may have to do with the age old fact that males at battle usually battled for breeding rights. At the end of the battle the victorious have rights to breed.

Our civilation, our culture has leaped ahead of our evolution through our technology, food production and the like. Our biology has yet to catch up with our society's evolution. Biology just does not move that fast.

Maybe males going through battle still have that biological memory if you will, that the reward for battle involves rights to females. Just a thought. Maybe this also has something to do with why in raging battles, the raping of women also happens. A horrible thing, but similar behaviors can be seen in numerous animal specieswhen taking over other groups' females.

I also have known of women who are very taken with men who fight over them. Some of these women often encourage such situations. Not healthy, but a fact.

So the idea of battle being a prelude to rights to females and the right to propogate genes may not be so removed from our species.

Just some random thoughts.....

Update after Terrell

I realize I have not blogged in a while. So here goes to rectify this!!

I have finished with Terrell! I cannot communicate how happy I am to have that all done. I never thought the words, “I can’t wait to get back to med-surg,” would ever cross my lips but they have with relief. Terrell was not somewhere I ever want to return to. I did live through the experience. I will say in the defense of Terrell, the staff were very interested in caring for the patients. Most of these people did really need to be there. It was unusual that a patient at Terrell did not need to be there. I ran across one, but it was unusual.

New Job!

I am now a hearing screener for newborns at Baylor downtown.

This is really a great deal of fun. Mostly the babies are adorable and the people there are happy; new baby and all. I have only wanted to run from the room with two children so far. I feel badly for some of these babies and what they are obviously born into.

I do really believe we should have requirements for child bearing. By and large, the job is great and the hourse very flexible.
Yeah!

Reasons for comfort:

Through life, you find some people you can be yourself around and some you can’t.

Why is that? I have come to the cursory decision that it is acceptance, a lack of judgment, love; that defines this comfort. Those people you can be around, those who will not judge you, those who will trust you beyond doubt believing you will make decisions that are good and that you have the strength to make those good decisions regardless of the situation- these are the people that we find comfort in being around. There are no “uncomfortable silences” b/c they know you just need time to think and be quite. They let you come to the time to talk in your own time.

These things sound so small and so easy. But these are very difficult things to do: not judge people, be patient, trust them, have faith and love unconditionally. So very hard to do.

When you find such people hold gently and nurture them. You should be able to be the same person no matter who you are around. This I think is the best goal. It is such comfort to just be who and what you are no matter.

Purtis Creek

Camping this past weekend was at Purtis Creek . Sometimes you just have to get out of town for the weekend!
All things were packed into the car and off we went. Of course, there is always one thing forgotten and this trip was no exception. The infamous green bucket of cooking utensils, headlamp, and camp soap was left behind. Alas, the best laid plans....

Since it was the last weekend in February, the trees were not yet green with foliage. However, there was the cutest of light green "fluff" to them as they were just beginning to sprout forth new leaves. Everything had the appearance of fuzz. As night fell, the stark, leave-less trees silently stated one word to me: patience.
Simple because they were waiting.
I liked the stark contrast of naked branches against the waning sunlight. We saw birds galore and we still have several to identify.

The Saturday dust/wind storm was something else. The morning began with, "Wow, it is all hazy outside." Walking throughout the day proved to have grit attached to it but you didn't notice until you got back to camp because you were so distracted with trying not to take flight in the high winds. When we did get back to camp, several tree branches had landed very near the tent. We decided that since Mother Nature had provided firewood in such an obvious fashion, gathering and burning it all would be just fine. We had a grand fire.

Purtis Creek is a small camp ground but we had practically the whole camp ground to ourselves. We camped in spot #60, on the other side of the dam and there was not a soul around us. Perfect.

We have another trip scheduled for Dinosaur Valley. Who's in??

One Down, 5 to go…Psych!

I have just come home from my first day on the psych unit. As some of you know, I was not looking forward to this. Between personal family experience and recent friend experience, I was simply not looking forward to going through the psych rotation.

The first day has come and gone, and really it was not that bad. Granted, I have not been to Terrell yet, that is next week, but so far, it’s ok. We sat in on group therapy today. This entails the patients all coming together to discuss what they are feeling, fears and other thoughts. The vast majority of people were there because of severe depression and/or having attempted suicide.

The real theme I heard in this group of sad, depressed people was a lack of connection to other human beings. “I am just so lonely since my husband died,” or “I just feel the loneliness come over me,” were both common statements.

What I heard from these people is this: they don’t feel like people care about them. What’s more, they don’t know how to go about changing that feeling. Many of the people there had been abused or taken advantage of in terrible ways. Honestly, I could relate on some level to how some of the patients were feeling.

Why is it that we can be so mean to each other? Are our lives so busy that we forget to care about our friends or about our families? The therapist said something sadly very funny: “Yeah, any major family holiday can make anyone want to starting using [drugs/alcohol] again.”

So very sad, and yet so very true.

I think the part I have the hardest time with is the simple fact I identify with some of these people. I know how they are feeling and what they are going through because I have walked their path.

Of course, it begs the question, why am I not also in their shoes? Why am I not also sitting here on the other side of the table? Why is it that I have not been on that other side of the table at least once before?

To me, there is only one obvious answer to that: Friends

A gift I seem to have in abundance.

Ya’ll, I am thankful for every one of you.

Yes, you too…

The Realm of the Mind

Blog

I have dealt with a few people in my life that suffers from mental illnesses, family and friends both. The most challenging of those illnesses is Schizophrenia.

Mental illness is truly fascinating to me. One person talked about how once the voices were under control with drugs, visual manifestations began of real people. Just as real as any physical person in the room.

How does the brain do this? I have always known that perception is your reality, but this is a whole different level. The perception-real to the person experiencing it- is something that does not exist in the physical world. People who are not there, voices that are convincing enough to coerce a person to act on the suggestions- these are real to the person experiencing them.

The brain manifests an entire entity or entities.
Begs the question; are we just vehicles for the entity that is the brain? Do we just house that existence? The brain makes up entire personas, some are coping mechanisms, some are friends, some are alter egos.
How does the brain do that? What combinations of neurons and synapse make whole other people that the person recognizes as separate from self but still sees as real? It is amazing to me that we can house whole other consciousnesses. Wow.

The brain is an uncharted territory right here on earth. I think it will remain so for quite some time. I hope the exploration continues…

Second Semester...Slam!

Well, here I am in second semester of nursing school and slammed is the word.
Word....
As Stephani would say.

We are busy, busy and I am worried I will not keep up at times. I sat down this week and put all of my due dates and assignments into my palm to try and keep up. I am sure it will be OK. (Please...?)

On the job front, the newborn hearing thing looks pretty good as I got feedback on that today.
On the teeth front, I need a crown. Yuck.
On the martial arts front, my right foot is better, but still painful. I kicked my instructor and he blocked with his knee, crafty man. Big bruise but dodged the broken bone bullet.

Otherwise, things are doing pretty good. Except the weather is not Moose friendly. This takes the fun out of travel to and fro....


More later!!

Barbaro Passes On...

Sadly, Barbaro, the race horse has been euthanized. A great loss to racing. Micheal Matz is also in the show jumping community, so I was very familiar with him and his philosophy of horse management. If they chose to euthanize Barbaro, it was warranted.
Sad, but at least he is not in pain.

Another manufactured holiday is upon us.

I was wondering where exactly Valentine's day comes from.

I decided to find out. Its history is a bit murky but still wrapped in the lovely blanket of love.

I have never thought much of this holiday. It seems to be yet another method of our over-commercialized society to force people into spending money in yet another frivolous fashion. Make no mistake, I am not a tightwad, I just don't need an entire day, on a national level, to remind me to tell the people in my life that I care about them.

Why can't I do that every day?

In any way I choose?

I know we are all very, very busy and it is easy to take the ones you care about for granted.

Maybe the take-away message for Valentine's Day is this:

Remember the people you love and cherish them everyday. They have a choice as to whether they are in your life or not. Be openly thankful for their presence in your life. People need to know you love, appreciate and value the investment they make in your life.

So say so.

As often as possible.

Valentine's Day is just a reminder.